judgements

gosh,anger is seriously the root of all evil.no matter what your excuses are.no matter how you justify it.Our Lord can never accept any act that is based solely on judgements.

ye shall not judge

who am i to judge when He never judged me?

was a victim of false judgement.thought it taught me well never to do the same to others.however…emotions overruled like the darkest moonlight to the forsaken werewolf.

you reap what you sow.hatred poured in.bitterness felt.

ish, when i said "i am nice" i was wrong.went out of control for a moment.seriously,the bitterness lingered and filled every single nerve under my skin with a drive of extreme negative force.sort of like some redrawal symptom after consuming,perhaps marijuana?you can’t think well,your hand trembles,you basically act on behalf of the "king of the world"

thus.Forgive me Father for what did,pray for the seed of kindness to grow and manifest daily.and thank you for releasing the locked heart to see what is to be done.

what have i done?

it creeps with invisible footsteps slowly and silently...back...
when you are unaware
it crushes your peace and serenity with a menacing smile
and leaves you petrified
in pieces shattering
suddenly you realized
your darkest dreams would still fulfil its vow to hunt you down
and you know it
yet you know it

Father in heaven, only You, only You can say
"It has been done" everything is over.
Abba Father....illumine me....

my future…decided?

in Him i trust,in Him i submit my everything.

and of course,why should i worry about my seemingly “bleak” future?maybe not so depressing but vague.

yes,i don’t know where to go.and i am a funny person who is consider rather disorganised yet couldn’t stand the feeling of not knowing where i’m heading to(though i am graduating in june next year)

well, yesterday i heard a “call”

i always felt that God’s calling me.in what way?i never had an answer.

that’s why,when i heard of doulos.something just clicked within me.could it be?

i have read up about doulos and even contacted the person in charged.and in the last email between us,she said this:

“Meanwhile please pray for this direction and share with your pastor and family members, and pray together for open door.”

yes.i thought i heard someone knocking…but is it real?i want to knock on this door,will it be opened?

Only He knows.

may it be Your will if this is it…

poor pizza

pizza is in pain.
brought her to the vet and uh...it was terrible…

when i heard her screaming,when i saw how she struggled,when i sensed her helplessness and fear…
she seriously screamed.and it was such a pitiful and hopeless yelp that i almost cried.(as if someone is really torturing her)

my baby is hurt.
i always knew that she is insecure.
the first thing she did when i put her down after we reach home was...she ran straight out of the house and hid in a corner in the backyard.
gosh.i felt so so so so sad.it showed a lot how pizza actually felt deep down.since yesterday,pizza has been hiding herself from us.

she would run and yelp and hide under the bed,refusing to come out.and she would look so frightened.

even the doctor said that she looks like she was once neglected.
i think it is true.i always felt that way.when i look at her reaction whenever she is alone.
fortunately,while she is with us,i did the least i can do which is spending time with her.

i know she is a little attention seeker.and that’s so human of her.to seek for company and comfort.pizza would keep us in her sight as much as possible.

i don’t think its only because of her being manja

that’s more than what meets the eye.although pizza can’t speak,she feels
i really feel sorry for animals that are abandoned.i still think of moumou.how she came into my life and left because of my parents.
in bolt....mitten said a line about how animals wonder what did they do wrong that they deserved to be left behind.(i tell you that line made me so so upset)

moumou has already been such a pain in my heart.i miss her.how can i let that happen to pizza my darling too?

haih,i guess pizza won't response to me for a few days.as she always ignore us when we do something to her(ie sending her for trimming)
she gets so scared and would think that we just leave her to suffer.that's why she gets angry at us.(and just now was really tormenting for her)
i don't blame pizza,she can't understand humans.from her perspective.it is as if we don't care about her anymore and let her go through such pain.
pizza has a fragile heart.and it always breaks.(what to do,she never got enough love with the previous owner)

dogs who come from “broken families”suffer the same thing like us people.
dogs are just like humans when it comes to emotions.they actually feel alot and they really need us.
for now i totally despised people who don't see this

poor pizza,really hope that her wound would get better soon.
after the medication.her wound look so swollen and red(as if it s bloody)it looks bad but i still feel like cuddling her to comfort her.

i want to see my dumb dumb happy-go-lucky girl running around like she has gone cuckoo again.
i can’t stand it seeing her so miserable

my poor poor baby.pray to God that He will make her well soon       

:(

how they influence us

indeed,teachers are so called the engineers of human’s souls…well.i would agree again to a certain extent.but seriously.sometimes,i have to say a big NO!

in fact,they can be the most demotivating factor in a student’s life.sad isn’t it.i mean,for people like me,its already traumatising if i meet such a teacher,can’t imagine how many fragile spirits have been broken because of their insensitivity and callousness.

sometimes,they really put themselves so high up that they refuse to accept the fact that they are mere humans too.as for their students, they fail to see the goodness in all of them.of course,there will be some smart ass or goodie-goodies or shoe lickers which will eventually become teacher’s pets…but how about those common ones,misunderstood ones and ignored ones?

i seriously think that a teacher must never judge their students,and never ever practice favouritism(which still happens though they deny it…the irony!)that is something i hate most…i mean its fine to like some of your students(everyone has their own special likings towards certain people)but don’t let it affect they way you treat others.

seriously,sometimes i got so mad with those lecturers.especially when i tried to impress them to prove them wrong,unfortunately they just “let me down” again.and this really gets on my nerves.argh!

what to do?they have the authority.all you can do is bear with them.get over the pain of being denied and treated differently.what i did was that,i looked at it in a different angle.

though it really irritates me, i put it in an opposite way,the more unfair you are,the more i wanna show you that you are WRONG!yes,ill study hard,do well in class,so you will be speechless.this is so called the sweet revenge.haha.

haih, really pity those kids who are seriously screwed up thanks to those teachers.its sad,to see how a child is being deprived and forever a gone case just because the teacher doesn’t care.it really aches to see this happening.well,it happened to me before and till know i can feel the fire burning inside, the feeling of being pierced by words so harsh and cold,by stares so cruel and the worst thing is,you can’t do anything.

if i could go back in time,i would have stood up and shouted:

“NO!!!THIS IS NOT THE TRUTH!DON’T MISJUDGE ME.AND DON’T YOU KNOW THAT CHILDREN MAKE MISTAKES?!HOW CAN YOU FOREVER DENY ME JUST BECAUSE I DID A MISTAKE.IN FACT,YOU SHOULD HAVE GUIDE ME AND TEACH ME THE RIGHT WAY,INSTEAD OF HURTING MY FEELINGS LIKE THAT!!!!”

gosh,i can get very emotional when come to teachers like this.still, God wants us to forgive and forget.even if they really do me wrong,i don’t hate them.though i sometimes use that word, it actually meant disliking their attitude not literally intense hatred.

our Lord never fails

well,since the first semester,i knew that law wasn't my cup of tea
in fact,i kind of struggled as law really requires much concentration and passion
fortunately,my adorable law lecturer miss sarah really gave me much encouragement
she is a live motivation..for all of us(she is the best,smartest,nicest law lecturer ever)
sadly,due to her pHd, miss sarah had to leave us...
seriously,it was super bad news for me.
i mean, law is like so tough and the best lecturer is leaving...WHAT?!
anyway,to cut the story short...i struggled so much after that that i almost breakdown for a few times(overly stressed)
having 4 subjects isn't easy,and law is pulling me down...
exam is nearing yet my preparation is still zero
really felt like sinking....
cried a few times due to stress...
i just know that i couldn't take everything any longer.
that's when i start to think of dropping law.
yet i hesitated due to my principle
(treating a levels as a challenge and to secure an extra subject for scholarship in the future as english lit is impossible to ase)
still,our Lord knows us best...
tomorow is our contract law test,and i was so troubled i couldn't start studying.
then,i felt that perhaps it is really the time to make a decision.
thus,i spent quite some time praying and reading the bible for God to speak to me
indeed,after some time...He spoke
it was just amazing,the way God leads me to this decision
and it is not a immediate one,in fact,this was in my mind for quite some time
before this,i really felt that dropping law is unthinkable.
now,after making the final decision.
the dark clouds are all suddenly gone...
i feel so relieved and happy
through this,God also answered another prayer of mine(i need to share a testimony tomorow and i didn't know what to talk about)
i know that God will continue to lead me through
without law,i'm sure that i'll do better.
i have so much extra time now i can actually focus on other subjects.
ar....life suddenly becomes so wonderful again!!!!
seriously...
praise our God!!!!
p.s.today bought the studio gibli concert dvd!!!!!
gosh..if you are a gibli fan you will be screaming now(like what i almost did when i got it)
since i do not have test tomorow...hehehe
i finally get to relax and watch it...
yuuhoo...
i can't help but thank Him for his love and concern
as what i always believe in
God knows us best
and also my favourite bible verse
"casting all your care on Him for He careth for you"
1 peter 5:7

:) nice

well,this always happens when i am stuck in deep mud...

i should be doing what i am supposed to do...assignments,study...

yet,i succumb to my temptations to renew my blog...

hmm,the bad thing is, another night gone which is not productive at all yet tiring

the positive side...my blog looks nice...

i mean,i have always been a little overly sensitive when it comes to artistic stuff

(and i consider my blog as one)

i would get annoyed to see it plain and common...without a touch of art

so...now i am satisfied.truly satisfied.

in fact, i love it so much that i don't think ill change it again...(hah,hope i can keep to this!)

anyway, the images are beautiful...

especially my background...hehehehe...i love it!

violin,music sheet and love...(best combination for the theme of music & love)

the small images on the right are also awesome...the beach,the sky,the bible and the piano

i am so "proud" of myself...

seriously,i am those kind of person who gets excited to see really gorgeous artistic pictures...

and i even feel touched because of it...

its so perfect...

well, since i've already wasted my Tuesday night...

i might as well treat it as my little getaway from my nightmarish studies

and

"to pursue perfection in art..."

thinking of adding some music too...oops...

see,i really can't control myself...

whatever.i just enjoy doing seemingly insignificant but important to me stuff

isn't that so typical of a girl?

there are many things which people around would think of as a total waste of time

yet they are so into it...

i call it the passion for art

(or rather trying to escape from reality)

but

i truly find it pleasant to my eyes and soul to see my transformed blog...

at least i find something to smile for despite the overwhelming stress

thank God again,for letting me find happiness in this...

simplicity brings joy

:)

the current

i have no idea when it started.
just know that it is hitting me hard...
swish...it comes with the force of tsunami
swosh...it drowns me without mercy...
gosh,what can i do but to try to go against it...
i have no choice...
if i let myself drift...ill be swept even down stream.
dear God in heaven, give me the strength and courage...
to fight against it...
p.s.
being exhausted is not an excuse
failure is not an option

strength

and then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
~
what is strength?
Lord, i pray for strength given by you from within.
yes,not mere strength that would not last.
sometimes,we need the strength to believe,to accept and to receive.
to believe in people,in the unknowns ahead
to accept everything we are forced to take in
and to receive whatever You planned ahead.
its never easy.and i understand that.
~
she slowly learns to see things differently
too bad,life is still full of too many "surprises"
~
he needs it too.
~
may it be.
we have the strength,whats more to be afraid of?

people

seriously, i know i don't have the art to live with People. nowadays,people are no longer just people.they have all evolved into a whole new level.
at times, they scare me. at times, i really do not have the energy to decipher what the heck they are trying to do.
yea. tired of people.is there a phobia for this?
thank God i found those who i can trust. as for the rest, God bless them.
in this world, to be kind is to be cruel. why you ask i'm so cold hearted? it is just the way to preserve fragility.
how you perceive reality is seriously something fatal, it is either you choose to live in "the matrix" or you just put away all the rubbish and see from the naked eye what is really around you.
then you will see People.
the best thing is, you can't avoid them, you live with them.
just beware, never to turn into one.
People do not really cherish genuineness, people do.
living with People is something so unbelievably complicated,& i am not a master in it.
and i never want to succumb to it, i would rather die in solitude than betraying my status as a person.