changes

as i looked back at my NS photos…somehow,i felt different..only then i realised..there was a change in heart.

i never stopped telling everyone how stupid and mentally torturing it was in NS since my return and blah blah blah…

after the incident of the churches being attacked,Ps. Koshy said something that really caught my attention.

many of us have this deeply rooted prejudice towards the other race,because we have or rather we think that we have suffered much injustice all this while…

this simple sentence just stroke me.

isn’t it true?the origin of my bitterness which further leads to my mental sufferings was prejudice.sadly,it was exactly the case.

on Monday,while studying for my business paper i suddenly thought of revisiting my high school teachers…oh.how much i miss them.as i flipped through my year book to check out their names(gosh,i could not remember some of their names>.<)the tenderness just flowed through me.and..surprisingly,many of my favourite teachers were malays…

i immediately thought of NS.

 

yes,perhaps its true that somehow we can still see favouritism in NS but i magnified it way too much.till a state that i felt intimidated to these people and locked myself to my own world.that’s why i suffered much mentally,imagine yourself “indulging” in all negative thoughts,seeing the world in a most judgemental way and focussing on all flaws…

if only i have been matured enough to see through all these.maybe i would have enjoyed NS.simplicity isn’t that hard.sometimes,faith is all i need.love too.

love for others,even though it seemed hard.bitterness brings more bitterness…who could i have missed that?

and the funny thing was i took pride in my solitude.i was overly blinded by bitterness.

again.it is the matter of a thin line in between.sometimes human just rely too much on their own judgement.they fail to accept the fact that they might be wrong,or too harsh on themselves.

i was too harsh on others in NS which brought to me being too harsh to myself…

now i see more and more the purpose of NS..it was a big lesson after all.of my past,my perception and being me.

 

 

perhaps that was what i have been doing all these years.

yeah.

 

i am a very sensitive person.unfortunately,it comes with ego as well.

so basically,how i “function” was allowing my weaknesses to take over me.first of all,go through everyday life with extreme sensitivity,get overwhelmed by all sorts of physical,emotional,mental harm,process every single bit of detail and stores them in the subconscious plus conscious mind..thus resulting in pessimism in perceiving and understanding things.

now,as a natural art of living,there is this self-defence mechanism.when i feel afflicted by whatsoever…my ego steps in to play its role.it protects by going into a “fine,let it be,if you don’t understand me,so be it!who cares” mode..or… “creating a solitary world where there is no interaction with the outside world at all”

 

 

obviously.ego isn’t doing me any good.of course,being cool and ignorant and insensitive towards harm is something good.yet too much of it would definitely back fire.i guess it back fired against me all these years.

 

that’s why,i always knew that deep down inside.i am a nice girl.somehow.in real life.i see myself a nasty biatch at times…

problem with me.i am overly paranoid.well,after all i have been through all these well,it can’t be helped.still.i should have been much better.

after all.i believe in a God of love.

its true the world is a sad place.can’t find much of genuineness nowadays.still…always try to love before getting all protective

many times.you sow what you reap.

cautiousness is a must in relationships.but love must be there too.not only that.practical love must be there.

there is no love when people can’t see love.and many times people are blinded from love.some immune, some hopeless while many still believes in it.

so many showed me love.why can’t i show the same?i am disgusted with the fact that now i become one who loves conditionally.

NO!THIS MUST END.LOVE IS NEVER EVER CONDITIONAL.( i spent most of my time criticising others for such love but here am i doing the same!IRONY!)

 

that’s why.its true that the more i know the more i don’t know.i was trapped in my own shallowness.(and i laughed at other’s shallowness)the stubborn mind and heart.

God really gave me growth.through all the crap and stuff.

 

it is good to accept the truth.

a good start for a new year.

promised myself.this will change.

He gave a great heart..and so i shall use it..:)